Crazy Cousins

So last year, I was introduced to a distant relative. At first, he was entertaining. He bought my book, asked a lot of questions about my grandpa, and was generally a good guy. Then came facebook, and before I knew it, my facebook page was getting blown up with crazy political anti-war articles, extreme leftist literature, and everything else that I just don't care to read.

I mean, its cool to be involved. Thumbs up to those who oppose repression and too much government, but come on, leave us alone that don't wanna play that game. So anyways, I befriended my relative, we'll call him Big E for the story, and it weighed on my mind. Last night, I was snared in quite a few dreams that left me sweating. First, the CIA had abducted me and was interrogating me about Big E. The had me shackled down and were doing the whole 'good cop'/'bad cop' bit. I woke up just as they started to set me up for some good ol' fashioned waterboarding.

Eventually, I was able to drift back to sleep, and again, Big E, snuck into my unconsciousness. This time, I was a super-hero. I had some sort of spider-man/batman powers. That's the funny thing about dreams, you never get all the details you want (ie what super powers u have), instead, you get the details that freak you out a little. In the dream, Big E (who was also a semi-superhero) had decided to use his abilities to take over the government. The President was in danger, and I was the only one with a chance at saving him. The kicker was two-fold, first, Big E's power of manipulation were stronger than mine, and second, he's family and it's tough to fight family in the world of science fiction. Either way, I woke up before I saved the world, but nothing was on the news today about a crazy semi-superhero taking the president captive, so I'm guessing that I'm good for now.

This all came back to me during my morning shower, so I'm gonna make some assumptions, but it probably played out like this: I arrive in my superhero outfit (tight flame resistant spy suit with bullet proof vest, black as night) at Big E's super lab somewhere on the West Coast. As I 'Austin Powers' my way through Big E's cronies using some judo chops, and cool technology like a sonic blast gun, I finally arrive in time. The president, who at this time is a hot blond that looks surprising like my wife, is strapped to a missile aimed for Oceana County, Michigan, the Asparagus capital of the world. As Big E sees me, he uses his mental manipulation trap, to freeze my senses and render me useless. What he doesn't know, is that I drank a six-pack of Dundee Honey Brown before I entered the lab, and (Like all men who drink a few) have rendered my senses virtually useless anyways. As a flabbergasted Big E, stares on, I use a quick roundhouse kick to bring down the bad guy. With Big E no longer a threat, I turn my attention to the president, who has miraculously changed out of a formal suit coat and pants and into a lacy french maid outfit complete with feather duster and shop vac (hehe, we won't say what that's used for). With quick use of my supercharged Black and Decker powerdrill, I spring her from instant death and de-program the missile using my mental HTML powers with only 1 second remaining.

As I return back to my midwestern home with the very sexy, sexy president in tow, the Governor of Michigan, who looks surprisingly like my best friend Q, greets me with the key to the state for saving all of the worlds asparagus. Just as I think the world is saved, little do I know another distant relative is planning to conquer the world. O, otherwise known as Swedish Polyester, is developing his squad of goons with a plan to imprison all of hollywood.

Until next time....