A pirate walks into a bar with a peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch.
The bartender looks up and say, "Oh my god, you're a mess! What happened to you?"
The pirate says, "ARRRR, 'twas a stormy sea, and a giant wave - washed me overboard! And as me mateys were hauling me back, a shark leapt outta the water - bit off me leg!"
The bartender says, "Okay, that explains the leg... what about the rest of it?"
The pirate says, "ARRRR, we were layin' siege to a ship - and as I swung over, a sailor reached out - cut off me hand!"
The bartender says, "All right, that explains that... what about the eye?"
The pirate says, "ARRRR! A seagull - shat in me eye!"
The bartender says, "What?? You don't lose your eye from that!"
The pirate says, "ARRRR! But 'twas the first day with the hook!"
C-Mart Pitching Like Kmart
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